I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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