I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
time to smoke my breakfast
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
