Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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