Your face is a jimmy john
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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