I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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