so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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