there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
