It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
