Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
