I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
