thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
