I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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