So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
