Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He has the fingertips of a God
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
