I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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