I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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