Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
