somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
