This is not my ceiling
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
