oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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