we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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