If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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