Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
