i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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