I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
