I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
