i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
