Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
