I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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