Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
