Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
