she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
