Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
