it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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