my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
