She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
