Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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