god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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