dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
