is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just google imaged poop.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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