after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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