I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
