I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
