Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
