Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
