The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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