I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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