I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
