Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
