so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
