You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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