the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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