The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
