I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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