It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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