I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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