broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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