I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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