My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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