Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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