I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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